5 Years Clear

I passed my official ‘5 years clear’ or ‘ cancer free’ anniversary May 6th of this year (2025). I also just passed my diagnosis anniversary on October 11th! What a fast five-six years it has been. I meant to write a blog post for the official day, but I kept putting it off. (Full transparency, it has a lot to do with my current mindset and where I’m now at in life). Simply put, I’m different. I worry that my writing format, or tone, or just general way of writing will be so far off from the previous posts, that it just won’t ‘fit’. Even in the last few years, the way I write for work has changed so much with the support of AI. I don’t want to run by my thoughts through a computer first before making this blog post, though… I’m just simply going to type them out, as my thoughts come to me, with very little editing and worry for how proper my grammar is, or how ‘elite’ my writing skills are (*cough* rather, are not). I don’t want it to feel forced or to come across as not genuine. After speaking with a good friend, we discussed why this is okay. It’s not supposed to ‘fit’ and being different now is a positive thing. And that there is no right or wrong way to share this with you all. I may not be as ‘relatable’ as I once was, being in the depths of active treatment, but I still have a message to share, and I still have the same end goal in mind: to be motivational, inspirational, and a safe space for women and people alike to read up on stories that may touch their own hearts and give them a seed of hope…

What I’ve been up to:

One of the things I’m really trying to work on is my confidence. One thing my ex said upon breaking up with me, that has stuck with me, is that I lack confidence… or something along those lines, I don’t remember verbatim, nor do I care. But instead of folding and giving in to that thought, I am choosing to fight it. I want to prove to myself that I can do hard things, try new things, and change for the better, because I deserve it! I invested in an online fitness coach and have been working closely with her on finessing my form while at the gym lifting weights, improving my strength, and getting more consistent with my eating habits. I have continued to do yoga on average once per week to steady my mind. And, the best one yet— I joined dance. Heels dance. I strut around half naked (with my tatted faux boobies on display - AKA my foobie clea-vage as I like to say - okay, not literally, we do wear cheeky bottoms and bra tops, don’t you worry), with other super-babes and we have the BEST time supporting one another in learning the moves and encouraging one another to shine from the inside out. I performed on stage with them in June and am set to do it again next month. This group has been a blessing, because it’s not just another form of exercise, but rather a safe space to talk about our lives, our reasons for showing up, a place to build confidence, and, to make friends! Being in your mid-30’s— it’s not easy to find new lasting friendships and at one point, I wasn’t sure I’d be capable, but here we are, all because I decided one day to Google ‘dance for adults near me’ and sign up for a drop-in class.

My first ever dance performance - June 2025

Outside of all of my activities (honestly though, my younger self would be amazed at how much I do in my week and how much of it revolves around fitness! I was always the girl who chose art over sports growing up), I do focus on learning languages still. I just use DuoLingo and am currently learning Spanish because I want to go to Mexico for the third time this Winter (this time with my besties that moved back across the country to Ottawa that I miss so much so I cannot wait for this), and I’d like to be able to say a few sentences to the resort workers in their own language. I finished the full French course, too, and now I need to start watching French shows, listening to podcasts or music and radio, reading French books, and to hire a tutor to level up… any recommendations are welcome! I must admit, I haven’t touched my piano in many months. I realize how spread thin I make myself with all of my desired hobbies (yes, I want to draw every day, write every day, go to the gym, walk the dog, keep a clean house, play an instrument, learn languages, track my nutrition…! But it’s just too much, so I stripped that back, for now). I’ve also been reading more this year! I try to balance between educational/motivational and fantasy. I’m on the last book of the Sarah J. Maas Throne of Glass series, finished the ACOTAR one (IYKYK - I’m always so late on what’s hip and cool ha), and am tackling a few David Goggins and Simon Sinek books. See? Balance. I wanted to read a few horrors this fall, but those will have to wait.

One of my highlights these last few years has been travelling with Sam. This year we went to Oahu, Hawaii for my 35th birthday and it was truly incredible. We rented a car, stayed in AirBNBs just a short walk from Waikiki beach, and just beach-hopped most of the time. We snorkelled, saw turtles and coral (he even saw a little octopus, but I missed it), and had such fun chilling in the warm water up until sunset most days. I would absolutely return to Hawaii (I reminisce about it daily now). Last year we drove down the coastline from Vancouver to San Francisco, California. It was a gloomy drive, but we made the most of it and did a mix of tent camping and motels. We hit up Forks, WA (hello, Twilight), and found beautiful beaches in Oregon. The gigantic trees in North California are unreal, too. We did Mexico twice in the last few years, and just went by ourselves, but it’s always nice to chill at a pool, let loose, and enjoy the sunshine. I hope we can do a few Europe trips in 2026 and beyond.

Apart from that, I’m just in my routine, trying to balance all of the things I know bring me peace and happiness (but also challenge and growth). I think about the Wheel of Life— Google it, but essentially it’s balancing the areas of: Health, Relationships, Career, Finances, Spirituality, Fun, and Personal Growth. Man, it’s not easy to ensure you’ve got all of these things balanced any given time of day, week, month, or even year, but I try my best. If I’m ever feeling completely off, I come back to this wheel and see where I’m lacking. Speaking of which…

What I’ve been struggling with:

I lost my job of over 9 years last autumn and officially wrapped that up the first week of January. During my time off, I ended up taking some online Google Certificate courses through Coursera while throwing my resume to the wind at nearly 100 places. I did eventually land and start a new job exactly 3 months later, in early April (phew). I won’t bore you with the details, but it is another work-from-home position (my brain wanted to type that out as WFH po-zish. Why? I don’t know ha, and honestly? It’s more like WTF). To be honest, it’s been the greatest challenge of my career-life and I am really struggling with it. I have cried many times, said I’d throw in the towel countless more, and most days I just barely get by. I am hopeful I can either prove myself here and help turn the department around, or, life will once again just have to throw me the curveball of trying again anew elsewhere. So we’ll see.

I have been on tamoxifen for just over 5 years now, and I do believe the side effects are getting more intense as I age. My monthly cycle seems to drag on for an eternity— the week before I am so emotionally charged, I spot, and then my periods last quite a while (but pretty light/irregular)… it truly takes up over 50% of my month, every month and it’s exhausting. However, I’m fortunate to even menstruate at all, so I put up with it. Sam is always a good support whenever I am spiralling (he really is a patient, empathetic man, wow).

And oh yeah! Speaking of Sam, we’re now past our 5 year dating anniversary. We’ve lived in our townhome for nearly 3 years, too (wild!)

Other than the usual stresses of life: bills, mortgage, fear of the political climate, blah blah blah, I’m so fortunate. So grateful. So any struggles I’ve experienced these last five years, I chalk up to learning moments, moments of challenge and growth (that’s life, baby!) But damn, sometimes, I do get in a good rant and cry sesh.

What I hope to achieve in the future:

I have a few big life goals I’m currently after, that I won’t share openly quite yet. But they have to do with education and fitness.

For now, I am learning to appreciate the small things in day-to-day life, because that is really what life is… yes, there are those big amazing moments we hold onto so dearly in our memories, but to actually enjoy life, I believe you have to learn to appreciate the other 99% of time— the small habits, the little moments of light and love, the peace and calm… or even just seeing any sort of positive in a seemingly totally overwhelming and negative moment…

Thoughts and feelings as a survivor 5 years out:

It’s weird. I don’t even feel like the me from five years ago. It’s almost as though my story is no longer relevant. Of course it is, and it still holds pain and fear and sadness… but it doesn’t feel real. Like I shouldn’t keep talking about it. Life moves on, as do the people around you. So I try to keep my thoughts closer to myself these days. I’m open about my scars and tattoos, my experience, and my past, but it almost feels ‘wrong’ to talk about it five years later. If that makes any sense… I’m grateful and amazed, yet I’m fearful and anxious. I know I’m lucky and shouldn’t complain, but I know there are big possibilities I may not stay healthy forever. Daily life gets to me sometimes. No, I am not in active treatment, but I am a survivor, and that comes with its own set of challenges. I’m tired, but I persevere. I’m emotional, but I try to diminish it to stay professional or appear ‘sane’ and level-headed to those around me. I’m fearful, but I do things that make me appear fearless (or at least I try haha). I could ramble on in circles about this forever, as it currently feels impossible to explain…

Closing thoughts and inspiration:

Overall, I’m good. And I hope you are too. I know this was a bit of a ramble-y one (but aren’t all of my blog posts?! I guess that aspect of my writing hasn’t changed). I am just doing my best to live a ‘normal’ life— but to also push myself to live beyond my baseline and comfort zone, because I know all too well how short life can feel. I have this “second chance”, and I don’t want to waste it. At the same time, I’m appreciating the slow, challenging, mundane days, too. It’s a balance, it’s a dance, and I think so long as we’re just doing our best on any given day, that’s all we can do.

Cheers to five years clear. I hope this for any breasties reading this, too. (And far beyond).

Thank you for reading! Feel free to leave me a comment, shoot me an email, or come find me and follow along my journey on Instagram @shestaysstrongblog

XO Stephanie #shestaysstrong